“i can’t imagine you being any of the things you warned me about.”
my eyes watered and looked away from him.
he continued “You’re too good of a person. You’re too sweet”.
i wanted to hit him, square in the face and say “you don’t know me”.
i felt anger and hatred build inside me.
i WANTED to scream. i wanted to shut him up. i wanted to sew his lips together.
i wanted him to stop.
but i didnt.
I didn’t do anything but stare off into the distance.
cry, and think of all the things i couldn’t formulate into sentences.
and then it all came flooding.
“i hate when you say things like this. it makes me worried that i won’t ever be able to fall apart in front of you. shatter this perfect image you have of me. you think its easy? you think always being sweet and ‘the bigger person’ and considerate and ‘easy going’ and ‘calculated’ is easy? you think its FUCKING EASY?…”
he stood opened mouthed and wide eyed in front of me.
“i want to be me. i want to be bad sometimes. i want to stop thinking. i want to have primal reactions to things that hurt. things that bother me. tear at me. but what would you do? if you walked in on me screaming, and tearing at my own scalp? speaking so angrily and quickly, all you could think was that it was in tongues? if you found me walking miles away from here, drunk and asking you to leave me alone. pushing you away when you try to hold me. because i hate being held, when i’m angry. how would you respond, if you found me black out drunk? so gone, that i’d peed on myself? what would you do. if i didn’t want you near me? if i just wanted to be alone? if i wanted to draw and write, and not speak for days.”
his eyes watered, and i could tell he wanted to hold me. but he had paid attention during my rant. instead, he placed a hand on my knee, and said “i don’t want you to be that way. but it’s only because i never want you to hurt.”
it was sincere. so i was too, when i said-
“i just don’t want to be the ugly parts of me in front of you. in front of anyone. not ever. but i can’t guarantee it won’t ever happen.”